Un-Break My Heart
Just like all the other times before it was hard for him to come here. Not because he didn't want to but seeing her like this broke his heart every time. He had to take a deep breath before pressing down the handle of her hospital room. It was a Friday night like so many before and yet it wasn't. Tonight it would be three months since they had brought her here — to the care of Wolfram & Hart, their former enemies.
"Hey Cordy," he greeted her with a barely hearable whisper, the undertone indicating deep sadness. She was lying on the bed like Sleeping Beauty but he knew this was something completely different. He wasn't the dark knight waking her up with a kiss. He'd already tried that one in desperation.
Slowly he sat down in one of the plastic chairs beside her bed. He had a feeling as if his whole body was hurting, physically and mentally. It wasn't helping that she seemed to be so far away from him. Sometimes when he was close to giving up he thought he had lost her. Then again she was still here in this world. But not really with him. Fred had been wrong. She wasn't the heart of them, not only. To him she was so much more, most of all his rock in this fight called life. Now that she wasn't here to help him anymore nothing made sense.
Angel felt out of place on the chair and moved to be closer to Cordy, his Cordy. He sat down on the edge of the bed and took her small hand in his. Feeling her warmth always gave him a shimmer of hope, kept the fire alive inside him. Tenderly he moved his fingers back and forth over her skin noticing how soft it was in contrast to his.
There was something he had to tell her yet and it wasn't anything she would like. Somehow he knew she heard whatever he said. "I was in Sunnydale last month and did something stupid. Yes, I'm a dumbass. I don't even know what came over me. Cordy, I kissed Buffy and I haven't felt worse than then. You know why? Because I love you. She was talking about cookies — that's when I stopped listening. Yes, I know I'm a dumbass. But what do I care about food? So while she rambled on I was thinking of you here in this hospital bed, all alone and being betrayed by me. That's what it was; I betrayed you." He was concentrating so hard on his speech that despite his vampire senses he never noticed her eyelids fluttering slightly. Then she was completely still again.
"I wish you would wake up, Cordy, tell me how stupid I was and maybe...," he couldn't even bring himself to continue. His thoughts were traveling along a way he had always kept a secret from her. She wasn't herself in this last year and didn't know that he loved her more than anything.
And then he just sat there for two or three hours not saying a word, just listing to her steady heartbeat and breathing. It didn't soothe him like it used to. Now it pained him deeply. She had become one of those helpless and he couldn't do anything about it, just sitting and waiting. After all this time despair was tugging harder and harder on his heart and soul making him ache inside.
From far away he heard the nurse telling the doctor that it was midnight. A second later a clock indicated the same with its sound. "I miss you so much, Cordy," he whispered close to her ear. He was so close to her now that he could feel her warm breath on the cold skin of his face. Gently he pressed his lips to hers like he had done quite often before; it wasn't like she knew or ever would.
A small tear rolled over his cheek down to his jaw from where it dropped on her closed eye. Angel never saw. Her eyelids fluttered again for a second or two but the vampire had shut his eyes to stop himself from breaking down.
It always went the same way when he was visiting her. He would come in with hesitation, feel overwhelmed by sadness at seeing her like this, blame himself and trying to run out but couldn't bring himself to leave her, and finally he would lie down beside her holding her close. This strange Friday night was no exception.
Earlier they had been fighting a demon only to find out that he wasn't evil. On the contrary, he actually wanted to help them. This had happened before. They got a lead and it turned out to be wrong. That particular demon was completely harmless; it only had telekinetic powers. There was something else. After it had touched him he felt all kinds of strange, like his emotions went on a rollercoaster ride.
After taking off his shoes and hanging his jacket over the chair Angel carefully lay down on the big bed beside his seer. With all the love he possessed for her he caressed her cheek with his fingertips while at the same time staring at her face. It almost seemed as if she was smiling but then again she always did in his imagination.
"You broke my heart when you left me, Cordy," he told her in all sincerity. It wasn't often he was so open, especially about how he felt deep inside. He moved to be even closer to her warmth. That's what she was to him — the light to illuminate the eternal darkness he lived in and the warmth that made his cold world livable.
"I love you," he whispered so low only a vampire like himself would be able to hear. And then he fell asleep, his arm tightly around her waist above the bedcover. He was too exhausted to resist although he wanted to watch her just a little longer.
It was three in the morning when a pair of eyelids began to flutter and slowly started to open. Immediately confusion took over. Nothing was as it used to be and memory seemed to be out of function at the moment. Despite all that there was this sense of contentment and security; it came from the other person in the bed. A sleeping beauty, an angel. "I love you, too," she said before falling asleep again.
Sometimes dreams are more than just that. Sometimes they become true and sometimes they show you what will happen. Both Angel and Cordy had the same dream in that Friday night. They dreamt of each other; they were kissing and happy for once.
Angel woke up feeling that sunrise was close and he had to leave. "Just one more minute," he thought tightening his hold on the girl beside him. Startled he abruptly opened his eyes when a hand touched his cheek. He looked into those hazel eyes he had missed so much in the last three months. His mouth opened to say all the things going through his mind at that moment but not a single word came out. It was too unbelievable to be true; it had to be a dream.
"I didn't leave you dumbass. I was just unavailable for a while," Cordelia told him with a smile on her lips, that one kind that was reserved for her vampire only. He didn't even know what to think anymore. His body was shaking and those damn tears started to well up in his eyes again. This time, though, it were tears of utter joy.
"Cordy," he finally managed to get out. "Yes, that's me and now..." That's all she got out before he did what he wanted to do since months if not years — he silenced her with a kiss. Slowly he brushed his lips over hers, completely in awe at the way she was responding. This was what he had dreamt of this Friday night and now it was reality.
"Oh and Angel, I officially un-broke your heart with this," she told him slightly out of breath. Angel didn't protest, after all it wasn't anything but true. Besides, Cordy was always right even if she wasn't. That's why he loved her. "That you did," he said before kissing her again.
