Satellite
Is that really what you always imagined your life to be?
You sit in a tiny hotel room, alone and dead tired after another long day on the road.
Never in your wildest dreams would you have imagined that it would be so difficult. After all, doing something like this has always been your dream. Now, you aren't so sure anymore. Of course you love the writing site of things but the constant travel isn't what you think you can do for long. You don't like it; you miss having at least one constant in your life.
Contact with the world outside is sparse. So many things you can't even remember — what time it is, in which city you are right now, when you last called your mom. But you always think of him.
All that talk about doors wide open. You can't imagine ever having said something this wrong.
What does it matter if you have the world at your feet if no one is there you can share it with? Not in the way you do it with your mother and best friend but with a partner, someone who just gets you.
And all you can think about when you lie in bed at night, desperately trying to find some sleep after the rush of the day, is him.
Only him.
You miss him. The way you felt so at ease when being with him. His warmth and that sense of safety when he put his arms around you. How he seemed to understand you so deeply. How he valued your opinion like no one else did. It always felt so right to be with him.
Wasn't it really an inevitable step to one day be married to him? You went through so much together. Ups and downs like not many others couple had. He had become something that consciously you weren't ready for despite what your heart said.
He was home for you. Maybe still is.
You thought it would get easier with time. The truth hits you hard one day. You see a man walking down the street, unruly blond hair, lean and handsome. It wasn't him. You realize right then that kicking him out of your life didn't make him leave your heart. The truth was and is that he is a part of you, ingrained so deeply that you would probably never get rid of him.
But you let him go without a word.
Was your not-yet-there career so important to you that you gave up something big like this? Was it worth missing love and personal happiness?
You are your mother's daughter. Independence has always been something you and her valued highly. She couldn't tell you if giving up a bit of that independence would gain you more than you had before. It isn't something she has ever truly experienced so far. You are on your own in this.
Sleep comes when you go back and remember a time when he held you. Feeling his breath on your cheek, his body surrounding you, you always succumbed to sandman's call within seconds.
Another day, another city. One seems like the other to you nowadays. A random afternoon, you decide to use the tiny amount of freedom in free time you have and spend it shopping for some essentials.
It's a sunny and hot day, you notice while waiting with a dozen other people for the light on the crossing to turn green. You still have no idea which city it is you're wandering around. It seems pointless to you to care; they are all one and the same. Empty without him.
You step forward when everyone else does. A couple holding hands in front of you. A group of kids laughing happily behind you.
No one notices the car coming closer and closer from the left, its speed increasing instead of slowing down. The driver doesn't stop or is unable to. The car swerves, the distance between it and the group of people you are in shrinking rapidly.
When you finally spot the big blue vehicle, it is too late. Before you can react in any way, even just shout, it crashes hard right into your hip. A moment later you hit the ground.
After that, it is as if you aren't you anymore. You can hear people screaming and crying but they seem to be so far away, like through a thick fog. Someone asks you something but you can't even focus on the voice let alone answer. Your mouth feels like it is glued shut.
As you try to do something, anything, and nothing happens at all, pure panic starts to set in. You struggle, but it is all in your mind. Then, luckily, everything turns black.
When you wake up again, you are in a hospital bed. The smell, the sounds, the colors — it's all unmistakable.
Someone holds your hand and you are shocked to find your mother sitting right beside you. She looks incredibly sad, like something awful has happened. You don't understand. After all, you are here and obviously quite alive if even in a lot of pain.
You open your mouth but, just like before, not a single syllable crosses you lips. Despite that knowledge you hear someone asking for Logan and it sounds so very much like your own voice. You know for sure, though, that it can't be you.
The look on her face brings you out of your confusion like a bucket of ice water. It makes you want to run from the room screaming. "Well, Logan...," she stammers and you gasp because this is an action so untypical for her that there has to be a major reason.
And again that unbelievably frightening panic starts to choke you.
You wake up crying out at the top of your lungs soaked in sweat. You scream for him.
It was all just a bad dream. Or so it seems.
You find yourself in a hospital room, this much you know is true. Stark white walls stare back at you from across the room. Your bedding has that very same color that is making you feel nauseous from head to toe.
Slowly you do turn around, your curiosity bigger than your fear for the moment. You have to know but you couldn't bare it if that dream does indeed come true. Losing Logan even more than you already did, you can't even face the thought.
It isn't your mom you discover sitting in a white plastic chair beside your bed.
"Logan?" you croak out in wonder, amazement, shock and a heavy does of relief. Most of all, though, desperate longing courses through your veins.
Could it really be him right here? So, you lung for him even though your body screams out in pain at the sudden movement.
You hold him tightly, your arms secure around his neck. Almost choking him with the intensity. You just have to hold on to him, cling to him like you never did before. To convince yourself that this isn't only a figment of your lonely soul's imagination.
"I'm here, Ace. I'm here," you hear him mumble softly into your hair. It seems it feels as unreal to him as it does to you. And yet, it is so right.
You don't know what is going to happen or how it all will go on. It doesn't really matter at this moment. The reality of him, the man you thought you had lost forever, being right here, makes the future seem so much easier to you.
Somehow, it will all be okay. One day, all the pieces of you and him will fit together. You are sure and there's only one reason why — you have that feeling back.
You sigh in contentment. A soft smile plays around his lips and your heart lurches in excitement at the sight.
You are at home.
