Indifference
It's one of those days which I absolutely hate. I'm on my way home on this late-November Monday. Outside it's raining or rather coming down in buckets and the sky is horribly dark despite the early afternoon hours. Strangely I wish it would even rain heavier.
Since I got up I have this feeling inside of me - that I just don't care about anyone. I also act according to this emotion because I don't talk to anyone. I just don't want to, don't feel the need to.
I don't know why I do this - I don't want to know. Why should I?
It's not as if I would like what I'm doing but I also don't stop myself. Something in my head continues to say that I don't need them, no one. In fact, I know this is not true. I hate to be alone but it also seems that I can't be with others.
I've never been easy but in my mind life wasn't always nice to me either. Already in my first year in school I was left out. No one seemed to like me. They stood in a circle on the school grounds and I was outside. That was the first time I told myself that I can do it alone, without any friends or people who want to make me believe they're friends.
I guess I've built a wall - an extremely thick wall - around my heart and my soul so that no one could ever hurt me again. Unfortunately I have always let them hurt me again - as if I need it to convince myself that no one wants me any good.
What is even worse is that I also hurt those people who just wanted to be nice to me. All I did was thinking that I don't care combined with this feeling of complete indifference.
And now I've done it again. It's the same thing as the time before. After thinking about this a couple of hours nothing has changed, most of all not my way of thinking. I'm telling myself that it had to happen at some point and I believe it. I don't care; everyone is indifferent to me; my heart is empty.
But I was also thinking that what I'm doing isn't good for me and that I hurt myself physically with what I'm doing. I can't force myself though to change anything. I don't want to believe that my "it doesn't matter" attitude isn't the right way and that I have to open up to people. If I just had someone who would show me how to do this. But I doubt I'll ever meet that person - that would mean I become happy and that's nothing I can believe in.
I'm a loner and I'll stay a loner. Who should want to be with me? Me - the strange girl no one likes. No one would want that. I'm not made for happiness.
So everyone should just leave me alone - that's the best way. And I can cope with this situation - I actually know it pretty good. I think. But if I'm wrong… it doesn't matter; I don't care; it's indifferent to me. Completely.
