And When The Rain Begins To Fall
I sit by the window watching how a wall of rain pelts down on earth. Everything looks blurry, almost like it's just a dream. Only it isn't. Thick drops beating against the glass pull me back into my cold and harsh reality.
The rain is coming down heavier and heavier, flowing down the street like a river, flooding the ground. Soon the sun would shine again and everything would blossom all the more beautiful than before.
It was May, the month for everything that's love. And yet, I can't seem to give a damn.
I feel like crying with the heavens. Tears flood the gates of my aching heart threatening to burst them until there is nothing left but unbearable anguish of mind and soul.
Darkness is descending even though it's the middle of a day. In my heart it doesn't look much different. Someone has switched off the light – out there for a while only, inside me probably forever. There's only one person able to find the right button, tiny as it is.
Now, finally, I can't hold it back anymore. Silently, tears roll down my cold cheeks. At first, only a few stray ones so very slowly, then the floodgates do open and it's pouring.
A loud crack of thunder jolts me from my almost-walk down memory lane back to him. As if it's been a lifetime ago, when, in reality, it's only been one lonely night.
The windows tremble with the force of the next thunderclap only tow seconds later. The storm must be directly over me now. When I was a kid I used to count the time between lightning and thunder. Now today, as an adult on the outside, I just can't bring myself to do so. Every second counted, means one more agonizing moment he's further gone from my life.
I lean my head against the window's glass. Its coldness a startling opposite to my aching and burning head. The wetness of the raindrops on the outside and my teardrops on the inside seem to mix, running down it in numerous rivulets. Endlessly.
The only thing I want to do now is let go, let angry sobs wreck my body until I can feel nothing more but the pain of it and not the constant tightening around my heart that seems like a
strangulation.
Alas, I can't take this final step. I don't know if it's because a little part of me still wants to keep fighting and not give up. Maybe it's only because there will be no one there to hold me and whisper thing to me about how it's all going to be okay again. The feeling of safety in the arms of someone you love is more soothing than anything else ever could be.
Love means something, more than I ever though possible before.
And when the rain begins to fall, it revives life in the nature, quenches its thirst after a dry period, breathes new life into plants. Inside me there's nothing left but dry land; he's taken it all with him when he left. When it rains, all that's left for me to do is cry. Cry for everything I've lost and will never get back again.
I don't know what I wish for more, that the rain will cease and with it my tears or that the dark clouds filled with liquid will never go away. After all, I could count on that little sliver of hope that one day all this pain would have flown out of my body or that maybe I'll be out of tears someday.
When the first light appears at the horizon, my pain hasn't been eased at all but rather intensified. The more time passes, the more I long for his presence. Long for it with all my heart and soul.
All my hope for relief of losing him will never be fulfilled, however. It's a fact I know but can't admit.
The anguish tearing me apart and my deep loneliness will one day be the final thing that pushes me over, drown me for eternity.
He is gone from my life and he will never come back. Not to anyone and most of all not to me.
He simply left.
