I'm All Alone
prologue
Here I am... with this tasty cake in front of me. It's my birthday today. But no one is there to celebrate it with me. My parents died and my friends left. A hate this stupid virus. Eighteen candles are on the cake. I light them. Now I'm grown up. Will I die too? No, although I'm alone I don't want to die. No matter what happened or will happen I'll always love my life.
While I'm eating my cake I look out of the window. It's raining. Everything looks grey. But the cake tastes very good. I made it some hours ago like my mum used to do it. Every year she made a special cake for me. Now she's gone and I'll never see her again. I miss my mum.
Although it's raining I leave the house. I decide to go to the town centre. When I pass the park it's not raining anymore. The clouds become white and sometimes the sun looks through them. But it's getting a bit windy.
I walk through the empty streets. It seems as if the town is completely deserted. No one is there. Accept me and the garbage. Now it's really getting stormy. The wind blows a newspaper in my face. I take it and read the headline: NO HOPE! VIRUS KILLS ALL ADULTS. Nothing new. But it still hurts. Why did this happen?
Now I reach my old school. In the meantime the clouds have gone. The sun shines brightly. Maybe heaven wants me to have a nice birthday. I enter the building. Nothing changed. It looks like the last time I had been here — some months ago. I miss school. Not that I loved it or that I was a swot. I hated to get up early. And then all the homework. But somehow I miss it. I leave the building and pass the gym.
The sun is still shining. It's getting really hot; I take off my pullover. Then I go to the small park behind the school area. With the pond. I used to come here with my friends. We sat on the grass, talked and watched the swans and ducks. This park was one of the most popular in town. Now I'm the only one there. And some garbage.
I go through the park and further to the bookshop. I can't remember how often I had been here — maybe hundreds of times. I loved books and I loved to buy them. Still I love books so I enter the building. They have a large assortment. But the best thing is that I don't have to pay now. I stay here for about an hour; then I take seven books and go to the exit. When I pass the cash desk I say goodbye to the invisible cashier.
Outside the wind blows the sound of a siren to me. It seems that I'm not so alone. Somewhere in this town are more people. But I'm scared. Why a police siren? No. I don't want to find them at the moment. While I'm walking through the streets I'm lost in my thoughts.
Suddenly I stay in front of a skyscraper; it was the bank where my father worked. After school I used to come here; then we went home together. He always had time for me no matter how busy he was. I miss him. I want my dad back. A small tear rolls over my face suddenly. I wipe it away and breathe in deeply.
Now the wind comes from another direction. It brings the smell of the ocean to me. I love the ocean... and the beach.
I remember a special moment of my life. It was a warm summer night and I went to the beach with my first love. Hand in hand. We sat down on a blanket, which we took with us. The waves came and went. We looked deeply into each other's eyes and shared our first real kiss. Afterwards we smiled happily at each other. He was a very handsome and smart guy. Every girl wanted to be with him. But he was in love with me. Some of the girls in school were very jealous. When he saw them he put his arms around me and kissed me tenderly. I miss him so much. His dark hair and beautiful eyes. He was perfect. I think I'm still in love with him. But where is he?
I decide to go back to my home. On my way I'll make an excursion to the mall. Maybe there is still some food. Again I hear the siren. But it isn't as far away as before. I'm scared again. I don't know why. But something tells me that it doesn't mean something good. I decide that from now on I'll be a bit more careful.
I try to hide from other people. Why? I always wanted some company, new or old friends. Just like a new type of family. I hate to be alone but I accepted it. It wasn't my fault that all the adults died. But I don't want to be alone my whole life. I need someone to love and someone who loves me, someone to be there for and someone who is there for me.
Then I'm in front of the mall. My family used to shop here. But it looks different now. Somehow dirty and shabby. I look to the entrance and want to go to it. In this moment I see him.
chapter one
No, that can't be true. That's just not possible. But it has to be him. His raven black hair is so unique. How he moves and looks around. That must be him — my first love Lex. What am I supposed to do now?
I'm completely uncertain so I hide behind a car and watch him. He rummages in a refuse skip. But it seems that he doesn't find what he's looking for. Beside him I can spot a dog. His dog, the Golden Retriever I know so well. Lex has him since his 13th birthday. Max was a present of his parents. First he didn't want the dog because he didn't want to be responsible for someone or something but the longer Max was there the more he loved him. They became really close. And I was the only one who was allowed to touch Lex or hug and kiss him. With the time Max loved me too.
Lex stops rummaging around and calls after Max. The dog comes immediately to him. Together they leave the place with the refuse skips and walk past the mall. Slowly and carefully I follow them. They walk around the building to the entrance. After Max finished sniffing in some garbage they enter the mall.
And now? What should I do? Follow him and take the risk? Or forget him — forget the whole day? I just can't decide. It's my birthday today. To meet him again would be the best present of my entire life. But what if he doesn't want me anymore?
Suddenly the wind starts blowing heavily. Max comes out of the mall. He starts to sniff in some garbage again but then stops and looks around. Should that be a sign? The wind brings my smell directly to him. Max spots me and starts running. First I hesitate whether to go or not. But then I decide to stay to meet Max the dog. And maybe Lex.
A moment later the dog stands in front of me and barks at me. Then he tries to jump at me. It seems that he's happy to see me again. I bend down and stroke him. Now he's really getting crazy. He's so happy to see me; I'm happy too. I loved this dog and I still love him. He was always there for me and protected me. Thanks Max — for everything. I'm so distracted from everything around me that I didn't notice how Lex came out of the mall to look for Max. When I look up he's coming straight to me. I don't think that he recognized me. He just wants to look what his dog is doing here. No I can't. I get up and run away Max following me.
"Wait!" Lex calls after the dog and me. But I can't. I run and run and run. Some blocks away I stop. I'm totally out of breath. I didn't run that fast since my last PE lesson in school. Now I know what I can do in my free time. It shouldn't be a problem. I have lots of free time.
I turn around and look back. He's sportier than me, he has always been. That was one reason why I fell in love with him. He wasn't as lazy as many of the other guys. But it wasn't the main reason; that was his smile. His extraordinary smile. Lex, I don't know why I run away. Maybe I'm just afraid of what will happen.
My body thinks for me. I stop at the next corner and wait for Lex. Max sits down beside me and wags his tail. Then he comes around the corner. He's still running and comes closer and closer. I go weak at the knees. I can't remember that he was that good-looking. Although it seems that he hasn't had a shower for weeks.
"Julie?!" he only says when he stands in front of me. And I'm thinking about running away again.
He stares at me. I stare at him. We just don't know what to say or what to do. I'm deciding against running away. I think his eyes prevent me from that. He could always do that with me. I'm totally under his spell. Don't do that Lex! I hate it. Or do I love it? He comes closer. Now he's only centimetres away from me. I still can't move. Suddenly he hugs me. I just can't do anything else than fling my arms around him. Minutes later Max interrupts our embrace with his barking.
"I missed you so much," Lex breaks the silence between us. Instead of saying something I touch his face. Just to feel if he's real. He is I think. Moments later we kiss. Now I can feel that he is real. The kiss deepens and we lean closer against each other. He's very real. I can feel his tongue in my mouth. When he touches my bottom I push him away. "I missed you too."
Suddenly Max barks again. He tries to force us to look in a certain direction. We look at the end of the street and see some people. They come closer. Who is this? What should we do now?
There's only 'we' now; no more 'I' and 'you' alone again. We would never consider to part again. Never. 'We' that sounds so warm, full of love and hope. Hope for the future. We look into each other's eyes. Then he takes my hand and calls after Max and we start to run.
He wants to go to the mall but I direct him to my house. We pass the bookshop and our school. We run through the streets. Still hand in hand. Every time we look back the people follow us. When Lex notices where I want to go he directs me to the park.
After we leave it on the other side we turn around again. Surprised we see that no one is there anymore. We slacken our speed and walk the rest of our way to my house. That was enough of sports for me this day. I think Lex takes a different view. He looks at me as if he wants to drag me to the ground every second.
chapter two
About twenty minutes later we finally arrive at the house. Max barks again — possibly because he's on well-known area now. Lex seems to think this too.
He is still holding my hand and as soon as we're in the building he tries to drag me into my room. "No," I say clearly to him. "Why not?" he asks not very amused by my rejection. Sighing I give him my list of reasons, "First thing, we have to talk. Second, you smell like... you reek." He can't really believe what I just said for a second. "Thanks!" he says but isn't really offended, probably because he knows I'm right. "Well, follow me," I tell him and guide him to the living room where push him on an armchair.
"Okay Lex. You know we have this solar energy system. So you can have a shower or a bath. I have enough water. But we'll talk first," I say sitting down as well. "Why?" he asks me grinning trying to get a hold of my hands. "You know why. Because I know you. You would have a shower, come down then just with a towel around your waist and..."
"And?" he interrupts me his grin broadening with every second. "We wouldn't talk. You know that you can be very convincing if you want something." Things are getting slightly out of hand. I missed him way too much to resist like that. I'm cracking, slowly.
"Something that you don't want?" he wants to know with a hint of disappointment in his voice. "I want to talk with you first," I explain sitting down in another place opposite him where he can't reach me. "Okay then talk."
"Why did you leave?" I ask and the feeling of hurt that was inside me since back then comes back in its full strength. "I had to go to a boot camp. I never wanted to leave you but they forced me," he replies pleading with a sad look in his hazel eyes. "They forced you?" I ask hardly able to believe that. "Yes, they said that I have to come with them or they would do something to you. I think they watched us. Maybe for weeks," he suspects and tries to move closer to me but I stop him.
"What happened there?" I inquire with a strange suspicion in the back of my mind. "Nothing important. What about you?" he quickly tries to change the subject looking away from me. I can tell by his face that he desperately wants to hide something. But not with me Lex. Two can play that game and I've always been better than you. "After my parents died I stayed here," I pretend to play his game giving him the shortest possible answer.
"Can we do now the other things?" he says with the mischievous grin back on his lips. "No," I say and look at him provocatively. He stares at me disbelievingly. Then he tries to touch me but I evade him and get up from my place on the couch.
"Why are you doing this?" he asks me full of confusion. "Tell me what happened in that boot camp," I demand to know trying to shot a cold look at him. "I can't," he simply replies. "That's new. I thought you always can," I say still playing the ice queen.
"Somehow I cheated on you." Isn't that the thing I wanted to hear right now. "Great. Go on," I tell him as that was exactly what I suspected. "They wanted to break us. All the officers were female. The one of our group we had to call Ma'am. She was interesting. But she wanted to break me. So I kissed her. Then..."
Wait a second. This is not leading to were I think it is, right? "Kissing..." I simply state knowing there's still more and feeling that I could really smack him in face right know. "Well, more. Then she blamed Ryan and me for doing things we had never done. We were kicked out of the boot camp. Since I met him we were friends."
"Where is he now?" I want to now. "He wanted to find some of his friends and his sister," Lex informs me and I can spot the relief that I don't question him anymore about his little adventure clearly on his handsome face but we're so not done with this yet. "So you you're living in that mall? With him?" I just have to know every little detail. "Yeah, that's right," he says looking down at his feet again.
"Did you have someone else... a girlfriend after me?" I ask fearing the worst. "No because I'm still in love with you. I always have been. I don't know why this happened with Ma'am. It just happened. But there weren't any feelings, just lust. I'm sorry. Really," he tries to convince me but it's not really working, not even in combination with those big puppy-dog eyes of his. "Hm... if you say so... Where's your sister Lex?" I change the topic again to give him the feeling we're through with this. "I don't know where Jodie is. Our parents sen her to my aunt."
"Why didn't you go and find her?" I inquire confused about this. "My aunt lived about hundred miles away. How should I've done that?" he states and I think there's even a tear in his eye, something very rare for him as he always tries to be the strong macho type of guy. "She is or was my little sister. I miss her so much I would have done anything to protect her. I have to admit though that I missed you more. I loved her too but in a different way as I loved you of course. Before you say something — I still love you," he adds avoiding to look more than three seconds at me.
"Say it again," I demand sitting down beside him. "I love you Julie. And I want to show you," he pleads sighing. "Then go and have a shower."
He gets up and makes his way upstairs to my bathroom. I just sit on the couch and stare at the armchair where he had been just seconds before. It seems like a dream that Lex is here. Even in my wildest dreams I would've never imagined to see him again. I didn't know how much I need him. Everything was so empty, cold and lonely. I thought I could cope with that. But now? Now he's here and I would go mad if I lose him again. Despite everything he's done when we were separated.
When I hear the water rushing I get up and go to the kitchen. There I left my birthday cake. My birthday. Lex forgot it. Boys! No. Lex isn't a boy anymore. Men! I take the cake with me to the living room. Maybe he's hungry as well. Only hours ago I had wished to have someone to love and who loves me. And now he's here. Thanks mum. Thanks dad. This could only be you. Up there in heaven. Quickly I wipe the tear away that rolls down my cheek. I sit down again and wait for him. The water is still rushing. That's a long shower. How dirty is that guy? I could go up and surprise him. No, I'm not that courageous. I'll just sit here and wait until he'll come down again.
Finally the rushing stops. I look to the stairs. I know what will happen now. He'll come down looking damn sexy with just a towel around his waist. He'll look seductively in my eyes. Kiss me. Touch me. Hold me. He knows exactly what he does to me when he looks at me in this special way. I'm not myself anymore. So I wait and see what will happen.
When I hear a door I breathe in deeply and try to smile. Today I don't know if things will go as they always did before. Too much has happened.
chapter three
I can hear steps. Again I breathe in deeply. First I see his bare feet, then his lower legs, after that the dark blue towel and then his bare chest, the finally his smiling face. Slowly he's coming down. I know that he was a good-looking young man — nearly every girl in school had a crush on him but he was truly, madly, deeply in love with me. No one could understand that. Me neither. I'm not the prettiest. But there must be something why I'm the one he loves.
I'm so lost in my thoughts that I didn't notice how he sat down beside me. When he kisses me on the cheek I'm back in reality.
"What are you thinking of?" he asks me with a smile on his lips. "Just you," I sigh and look at him not really happy with myself and the whole situation.
"There's no need for that now I'm here in reality," he says leaning over, closer to me, making me all nervous. "I know but I just can't believe it," I sigh nervously. "I can't either but Julie thanks for letting me have a shower. I haven't had one since... I don't know... weeks or even months." He looks at me with a wonderfully warm smile on his lips. "You're welcome," I simply reply and lean back on the couch without looking at Lex.
"You said that you know what would happen after I had a shower. Do you want that?" I knew he wouldn't let it rest for longer than a few minutes. "To be honest not really, not after what you've told me but..." I say knowing my feelings are completely torn.
"But what?" he asks putting his arm around me tenderly. "It's so unbelievable that you're here now. Some hours ago I sat in the kitchen with this cake in front of me thinking about having someone who could celebrate my birthday with me. Someone..." Lex interrupts me, "Julie, I'm sorry that I forgot that. Please believe me. I'm so sorry." Embarrassment is written all over his face. "It's okay," I sigh not able to resist the feeling to move closer to him.
"Happy birthday!" he says then and kisses me tenderly on the lips. I hug him and say, "Thanks."
And back to the topic... again. "So why but?" Okay, he wants the truth, he'll get at least half of it. "I was so alone for months and I just... I want to feel something even if this might not be the right thing to do at the moment," I admit and when I look deeply into his eyes I realize that he understands me.
"Do you have food in your mall?" I quickly change the topic before things get out of control. "Not enough. All the other shops were empty too." Now that he's here my brain is on overload. I just can't stop thinking about all the possibilities.
"I don't have enough either but we could cultivate the garden behind the house again. I think there's still some seed in the cellar. But you would have to live here then?!" I suggest totally enthusiastic about the fact to have someone here with me. "I would love to live with you. Just the two of us together as I don't think Ryan will come back soon," he agrees and smiles at me then with this certain look so that I can't do anything else than just kiss him.
"You know what you do to me with this look, do you?" I tell him rolling my eyes. "Yes. Do you mind?" he says grinning. "No. And now come with me," I say getting up and taking his hand.
We go upstairs to my room. He closes the door and has a quick look around noticing immediately that nothing has changed. "You don't need to be scared Julie. I won't hurt you. I could never do. And I won't do anything that you don't want," he says as I look at him anxiously avoiding to touch him again. "I know. But I always think all this is just a dream and you're away again."
This is getting way too emotional now but I can't stop it. "Come here," he says stretching out his arms to me. I go to him and he lovingly puts his arms around me. I can feel him and smell him. He's real. Then I look into his eyes again and can finally smile as well. This is so much better than every dream or my imagination.
Later that night Lex is sleeping soundly beside me; I, however, just can't get to sleep. This day was simply too exciting — just unbelievable. And I have my Lex back. I look at him and get a shiver. It's not because of him; I think I'm freezing. So I put the blanket tighter around me and move closer to him. My feet are as cold as ice as are my hands. I look around in the room and after a while I spot a pullover, Lex' pullover. I get up and put it on and slip under the blanket again quickly.
All the clouds are gone. The moon shines brightly through the windows as it's nearly full moon. The cold white light falls on Lex' body giving his skin a silver colour. He looks absolutely cute when he sleeps. And he smiles. While I'm watching him I'm finally getting sleepy. Again I move closer to Lex. I put my head on his chest and my arm around his waist. While I listen to his heartbeat I fall asleep.
But only some hours later I'm awake again unfortunately. The moon has gone and the day is breaking. I'm snuggled up in Lex' arms and can't resist to kiss him on the cheek. "Thanks for being here," I whisper to not wake him.
When the sun is rising above the horizon I know it will be a beautiful day. The sky is painted with hundreds of tints of red, orange and yellow. Now Lex' skin looks golden. Suddenly he turns around and faces me with a smile startling me as I thought he was still fast asleep. "Morning baby," he says softly pulling me even closer. A moment later he closes his eyes and falls asleep again. Shaking my head about this I try to go back to sleep as well with listening to his heartbeat. With success.
chapter four
When I wake up again I feel something wet on my cheek. So I decide to open my eyes. Max is sitting right in front of me and is obviously the reason of the wet something. I wipe it away and turn around. But to my astonishment Lex isn't there. He is gone.
Scared he might have left me I jump out of the bed and run out of my room and down the stairs. I open the door to the living room; in this moment Lex comes out of the room so that we clash into each other suddenly. He hasn't left me. I breathe in deeply and hug him pulling him as close as I can. Tenderly he puts his arms around my waist and returns the embrace. I just feel so safe in his arms.
"Don't ever think of letting me go," I tell him softly taking in his scent and enjoying the feeling of his strong arms around me.
"Where have you been? Max had to kiss me awake," I add before he has the chance to reply something. "I wanted to make you breakfast but I couldn't find much," he tells me pulling me even closer. "That's because there isn't much food left here." I really don't want to think about this right now but I guess it's inevitable.
"So we have to go and find some?" he asks me knowing I'm not very keen on going out there again to those crazy people. "Yeah I guess so. Or do you have something in the mall?" I ask entwining our fingers. "Yes, I left it there because I followed you," he smiles kissing me passionately.
I didn't know how much I had missed that," I say afterwards.
"Kissing?" and there's the smile again. "Kissing you," I correct him with a grin. "You missed only that?" he asks pushing a strand of hair behind my ear and with a smirk on his lips. "No, what do you think?" I protest looking at him as if he's stupid. "Well, you said that."
I can only shake my head at this. "Okay. I missed your kisses, your hands, your body, you touching me, you talking with me, you being there for me, just everything that contains you. Is that enough?" I state getting out of his arms to go upstairs again to get dressed for the day. "Well... yes," he responds hesitating to let me go.
The first thing I do when I'm in my room is to go to my wardrobe to look for some new clothes. I decide on a wine-red top with long sleeves and a pair of black corduroys, which have silver studs on each side. I have a quick look in the mirror on one of the wardrobe doors to check myself. Not bad. I still wear the delicate silver necklace that Lex gave me at our first anniversary. I love it and I've never taken it off. I touch the pendant, a silver star, and play with it while I'm somehow lost in my thoughts of the past.
"What is taking you so long?" Lex calls impatiently from downstairs. "I'm coming," I answer bewildered but not caring much that he's waiting for me.
Before I can force myself to go downstairs I have to cross the room open a small drawer of my desk. Under some magazines I find what I'm looking for. It's a picture of Lex and me I had been hiding in there because it hurt so much to even look at it for a second. It's one of only a few I have. On the picture we sit on the grass in our garden and he smiles at me. He smiles with this gorgeous and irresistible smile on his lips that makes everyone go weak in the knees. After spending what seemed like an eternity staring at it I finally turn around go downstairs taking picture with me to Lex.
"Here I am." I say putting my arms around his waist from behind and leaning against his back. He manages to turn me around and immediately spots the picture in my left hand. "I remember clearly when we took it — it was the last day of our summer holidays," he tells me while we are going to the kitchen together.
"It was also the day when Alison told me that she was pregnant," I only whisper as it hurts so much to think about my sister whom I'll probably never ever see again.
"Your sister was pregnant?" Lex asks me full of shock and astonishment. "Yes, but she lost it in the fifth month. She lost the baby because she fell down the stairs after dad and she had a big argument about the father of the baby. About two weeks later she left the house in the middle of the night. Since that day I've never seen her again," I put him in the picture of what had happened with Alison. "I'm really sorry." The only reply I can give him is a silent nod and he understands completely that I can't and don't want to talk about it anymore.
Silently we sit then at the table and have our breakfast. Every now and then we look into each other's eyes to convince ourselves that the other one is really there and that it's not just a dream.
On our way to the mall no one of us says much. Sometimes we don't need words to know what the other one feels. I guess he's also quite happy about the fact that I'm not one of those chatty girls who just talk and talk without actually saying something. When he quickly glances at me I see that there's something on his mind. "You know Julie, I dreamt of you two nights before."
"Tell me about it," I ask him a small surprised smile appearing on my lips.
"In my dream I wandered through the streets. I don't remember where I wanted to go but soon I was on the beach. Through the warm sand I walked into the waves. Suddenly I saw someone walking out of the water. When it came closer I noticed it's a woman. I could hardly believe my eyes when we stood face to face on the beach. She looked like you. Completely. I walked around her. It was so exiting. My heart beat like a drum and I couldn't say anything. When you smiled at me I wanted to touch you. I tried to kiss you but when I touched your lips you vanished into thin air like a soap bubble. I looked at the empty place in front of me. I was on the verge of tears. My heart beat even faster. Then I woke up. It was horrible. I thought I had found you but it was just a dream." I look at him and notice how shaken he still is.
"You missed me so much?" I ask him amazed. "Much more than you imagine," he answers taking my hand in his and squeezing it.
chapter five
We're already near the mall when we suddenly hear the siren of a police car. Frightened we look into each other's eyes. The siren is so loud that I'm more than scared. It must be only some streets away. We hesitate a moment to decide what to do now but we see that the car is already coming around a corner. Without thinking we start to run. Run as fast as we can. But the car comes closer and closer.
First we run straight ahead the street. Suddenly Lex drags me into a small alley and then into a warehouse. There we hide behind some shelves. Finally the siren becomes weaker. Short time later we hear nothing more than silence. "Who was that Lex?" I ask him fear written clearly across my face. "The Locos."
"And... they're dangerous?" I want to know when we are leaving the warehouse and resume our way.He doesn't get the chance to answer my question. When we walk around the corner we see our nightmare again. At the end of the street the police car is waiting for us. Rapidly it comes nearer. Again we start to run.
Suddenly Lex tries to drag me behind some cars. But I fall over a wooden box, which is in my way. As fast as I can I get up and follow Lex behind the old cars not caring about anything else.
This time we wait longer to leave our hiding place. Lex wants to be completely sure that it's safe to get out. It seems like an eternity for me. Still I don't notice my injuries just feel that my knees and elbows are burning somehow. Carefully Lex is looking around the cars to see if it's safe already to get out. "The mall is over there, so let's go," he tells me pointing at a three-storey building opposite us.
"Julie you're bleeding," Lex notices shocked as I'm not able to follow him as quickly as I should. I only nod ignoring the pain and go after him.
Finally we enter the mall. Lex immediately goes to a room which seems to be a café or a kitchen. I sit down on a chair to let him have a look at my wounds. My trousers are torn at the knees and the fabric around it is covered in blood. Then Lex looks at my arms. Both elbows are bleeding too. He searches with his eyes for something to wipe the blood off. The only thing he finds a towel for drying the dishes; it has to be enough as first aid. Softly he wipes the blood away but still it hurts so much I can hardly hold back the tears. I try not to show my pain and force myself to smile. "Just let your pain out," he says without looking at me.
About an hour later we leave the mall with quite a lot of food and pretty much all of his stuff. Back on the street again he looks carefully to every side just to be sure that the Locos aren't nearby. Although it hurts I try to walk as fast as I can. Lex is carrying the bags with the food and with his clothes. He refused to give me anything as I already had enough to do with my injuries, he had said. And as I know he can be really stubborn there was no reason to argue with him.
"Can we stop for a moment please?" I ask when I spot a bench in the park which we had just entered. "Sure." We sit down on it and look at each other. Suddenly Lex hugs me and I close my eyes breathing in deeply. I need him and his strength. He wants to part again but I just can't let him go. I feel so safe in his arms. "You're still scared, aren't you?" he suspects from my behaviour which isn't like I normally am. "Well... kind of," I admit.
Back at home I lie down on the couch while Lex gets his stuff in my room and the food to the kitchen. I'm so horribly tired. When he comes back I'm nearly asleep. The last thing I remember is that Lex kisses me softly on the cheek and puts a blanket over me. Soon I'm fast asleep and start to dream of Lex' and our past.
It was a Tuesday, only some days before the summer holidays. The evening before I had a date with him again. The guy I'm in love with — Lex. He's seventeen; one year older than I am. And he's so nice, intelligent and good-looking. But the most important thing is that he seems to like me too.
We'll meet again today in the lunch break. He said that he wants to tell me something. I'm so happy I could hug the whole world. But lunch will only be in three hours. That's like ages away. Maybe I'll see Lex on the corridor.
Maths is so boring. Just some lessons ago I understood the whole thing. And now it's so easy. But the others just don't get it. They pester the teacher again and again. However, it seems that all his efforts are useless. I instead spend the lesson with thinking of Lex. He's the reason why I understand algebra now. He helped me with my homework and explained everything to me. Lex is fantastic... wonderful. Maybe mine soon.
I spend history and French also with dreaming of Lex. That's far more interesting. Finally the bell rings. Swiftly I leave the classroom and the building. I go to the schoolyard, sit down on the grass and lean against a tree. I get a book out of my backpack and start to read. Only some minutes later he arrives. Lex sits down beside me and smiles at me. I close my book to give him my complete attention.
"Hi," I say and just have to smile at him as well. "Hi Julie," he answers and kisses me on the cheek tenderly. My stomach is starting its ride on a roller coaster exactly in this moment. This whole thing is so exciting. I love this feeling, this feeling of being in love with someone. I have never felt like this before.
"I wanted to meet you here today to ask you something. I wanted to ask you... if you want to be ... my girlfriend?" he nearly stammers with a questioning view. "I would love to be," I simply say and smile again.
"Lexy baby what do you do with this wallflower? You could have me," a girl in a short skirt says suddenly standing in front of us. "She's my girlfriend," Lex tells her with a mischievous grin putting his arm around me. "What?" the girl screams. "Ellie! I'm in love with her. We're together. I don't like you. I'm not interested in you. I've never been. Will that ever get into your head?" he informs her on the verge of exploding. When she notices that the conversation is over and nothing else will happen she storms away furiously.
Since I smile when he looks at me Lex puts his soft lips on mine. It's not much more than a peck but still so exciting. "Sealed with a kiss," he explains why he did what he just did. "Tasty," I say after licking my lips repeatedly. "My lips?" he smirks and doesn't let me answer, instead he just kisses me again.
"I want my Lex back," I think and open my eyes confused about where I am.I soon realize that it was only a dream and that I'm at home with Lex sitting on the armchair opposite me watching me carefully. However, I'm so tired that my eyelids close again as soon as I see him smiling at me. No more dreams now just peaceful sleep with him taking care that nothing happens to me. Could it get any better?
chapter six
I don't know how long I've slept or if Lex was watching me the whole time. The only thing I know is that I feel like I was asleep for days but actually it's not later than three in the afternoon as I soon realize and it seems as if he indeed stayed with me all the time. The only difference is that he himself is now fast asleep snuggled up in the armchair as good as he could but it doesn't look very comfortable nevertheless. So I decide to wake him up.
Carefully I go over to him noticing astonished that my injuries don't cause me as much pain as I thought they would. In the moment I want to touch his cheek he opens his eyes startling me with that.
"How are your injuries?" Lex asks me concerned while stretching and pulls me onto his lap then. "Better than I thought," I smile and kiss the tip of his nose. "That's good, very good. So what are we going to do with the rest of the day?" What's with the grin again?
"What do you have in mind? And don't say nothing because I can see it in your eyes that there's something you want," I tell him a laugh escaping my lips when he acts as if he's offended. "Still what I wanted yesterday and what we didn't do as you were busy falling asleep," he says honestly and this was exactly what I had expected and still I don't want it.
"You know what, I think we should bandage your wounds so that they can heal faster," he finally explains after realizing that he won't get anywhere near making love if he puts me under pressure. So he does what he said and I'm more than astonished about his tenderness in every of his movements; I don't feel any pain at all. Amazed I'm looking or rather staring at him while he takes care of my injuries.
He must have felt this as he suddenly looks up and gives me one of those bewildering smiles. I can only shake my head. The guy is back for one day after months and I'm all confused about his smile. It makes me realize just how much he already was a part of my life. "What do you think about going to the park nearby for a while?" he interrupts my thoughts when he's finished bandaging. Shrugging my shoulders I reply, "Sure, why not."
It doesn't take us more than three minutes to get into the park. It's not a big one just a small thing for relaxing alone when you don't want to spend the time with your family in the garden behind the house. We've been here quite often in the past. I didn't want my parents and sister as audience every time I kiss Lex. So here we are again. Not much has changed except that the grass is much higher; no one is taking care of it after all.
We sit down on the first bench that comes into sight. He immediately pulls me closer and kisses me softly. Again I feel that there's something on his mind he wants to talk about but doesn't know if I'll like it. So silence it is for a while. I don't want to push him that's why I'm waiting.
"What is it?" I ask him after he opened and closed his mouth without saying anything. "Well, when... if Ryan comes back could he, well... live in our house as well?" he wants to know hesitatingly. "First, since when is it our house and second, I guess yes but I have to get to know him before he gets, you know, permanent residence. I don't want to live with people I don't like." I know I sound like a five-year-old but I'm not good at sharing.
"You will like him," he adds hurriedly to convince me completely. "If you say so," I shrug knowing he'll probably get what he wants as he's too good in making me believe what is the best for me and for us.
We were lost in a passionate kiss when we suddenly he voices. Scared I pull away from Lex fearing the Locos are near us although I haven't heard the siren. But who knows they can walk as well after all. But when we look into the direction the voices are coming from I know it must be someone else and Lex doesn't look uncomfortable at all even, as if he knows who it is. And in the next moment I learn that it's exactly like that.
"Ryan?!" he says disbelievingly and gets up from the bench. He doesn't go to them though but stays where he his not being able to move. Soon I can see that five people are coming towards us, three girls and two guys. I already have a strange feeling that things won't go as smooth as Lex or I want it; there will be many, too many problems. I pull him down again beside me as he's making me nervous with his behaviour wishing we could vanish into thin air so that those five wouldn't see us but unfortunately it's already too late.
"It's really him," Lex whispers in utter shock. "Great," I say but luckily he didn't hear it; I don't think he would have liked that.
"Is it really you, Lex?" one of the guys shouts from afar as he notices him and starts to run to convince himself. So seconds later they all stand around the bench eyeing each other and I wish I could be on another planet. I don't listen when they introduce themselves; it's not as if I really care. Lex sounds more than happy; I guess I wasn't enough for him. Great, just great. Can I go home now?
"Julie?" I hear someone calling my name from far away as if we're miles apart.
"What?" I say sounding more annoyed than I had planned — oops. "Can we go to your home to talk?" Did he have to stress 'your', I mean that's a proven fact after all. I don't know why I agree or if I actually did but minutes later I find myself sitting in the garden of my house with all those people around me. Oh, how I like that... not. I like being alone. Okay, maybe not completely alone but this, this is way too much. Max is lying beside the chair on which Lex sits after he welcomed him like he hadn't seen him in months.
Now they want to talk about what had happened to them while they were separated. I so don't care. Looking around I notice that one of the girls s staring at my guy as if she wants to eat him alive right here.
This is not funny, not at all. So what to do? That chick needs to understand that messing with me is a really bad idea. I do what comes into my mind first — I go over to Lex and sit down on his lap before looking directly at her so that she realizes that I know what she was doing. It seems to work and although Lex was confused at first about what this is all about he soon puts his arms around me and smiles slightly while listening to one of the others.
It is Ryan's turn now to tell what happened after the two of them separated, "When I left the mall I went straight to my home as I thought I would find some useful things there like can-openers and so on. But what I found instead I didn't expect at all. Jordan was still there; she lived in the house with her friends. Salene was also there because she wasn't only my classmate but also our neighbour. They were so astonished to see me, as I was to see them. We spent the whole night talking and decided to move into the mall; there we would have more space but before we went there we decided to look for food and we actually found a lot. This morning we arrived in the mall and I wondered why you weren't there but I thought that maybe you were looking for food or going for a walk with Max. So we decided to go out again looking for you. I remember that you told me quite often about this park and your girlfriend Julie so I guessed that was a good place to start searching. We were about to return to the mall when I saw you."
"Well, I did stay in the mall after you left but then I met Julie," Lex tells them and kisses me softly on the cheek. "And I think you'll understand that I had no desire to go back then," he adds pulling me even closer.
That's how I like my guy, though, I didn't know that he was such a cuddly type — at least not in front of others, not with his kind of occasional macho attitude. Not that I don't like it, I think I could get used to this. What makes me kind of angry, however, is that this Zandra girl is still staring at him, despite everything I've done but I'm anything but finished yet. So in a moment of silence between us all, I look deeply into his eyes knowing exactly what I'm causing with this — in the next second I can fell his lips on mine and he's kissing me passionately.
"Can't you get a room or something," Zandra says as annoyed by this as I wanted her to be. "Actually, this is my house, so I can do whatever I want in here and everywhere else," I answer provocatively moving my hand under Lex' shirt. "But I don't want to see this." Should I care? Definitely not. "No one forces you to stay here," I tell her, my voice already becoming louder; she's really getting on my nerves now.
"Ladies!" Ryan and Lex shout at the same time.
"Okay, sweetie, you come with me... upstairs... talking and you can all stay here. I think it would be great to have more people around and I'm sure Julie doesn't mind. So, yeah, have a look around, get comfortable," he explains, then holding my wrist tightly with his strong hand. "What is it with stressing words lately?" I wonder while I follow Lex who is nearly running to my room.
I don't like being handled like a child and what that's exactly what he's doing right now: Acting like a father with a naughty child. I can be really naughty if I want to but that would be way different. When the door closes with a loud bang I'm no longer lost in my thoughts. The next thing I know is that I'm being pushed against that very door and then he's kissing me with way too much emotion or rather lust.
"Getting a room wasn't such a bad idea after all," I laugh completely out of breath after his attack on my lips. "You can't make me all horny and then act as if nothing happened," he states with an angry look on his face. "Didn't you want to talk about... something?" I try to change the topic knowing, however, that it's useless. "Don't play games with me Julie!" he warns me but gets the complete opposite; I like games.
chapter seven
"So that's what it takes to get you into bed with me, jealousy," Lex laughs. He receives a smack in his arm as response. I was so not jealous. Okay, maybe a little and I obviously didn't even have a reason. He is only interested in me. And the bed of course.
That silly grin on his face makes me smile as well. Oh my, I'm so hopelessly in love with this guy and I don't want it to ever change. "I just needed to set the limits and these include not staring at my guy as if he is stark naked. I mean...," He interrupts me kind of rudely by kissing me lovingly again. I do like that — not that I can't finish my sentences — but I guess everything is clear now. At least for him and me.
As a sudden wave of cold air makes me freeze, I pull the covers tighter around me, but of course he has to take it the wrong way. Questioningly he looks at me for an explanation of my actions.
"It's cold," I simply say. "Let me be your human blanket then," he suggests with a grin moving partly over me. "Warm me, no other shady things," I tell him. "As you wish my lady," Lex agrees, but in the same moment I find his lips on mine once again. He's kissing me awfully tender; I just can't resist him or what he's doing.
"You know, as nice as this is, I don't want them to... well, I don't want that they go to Ali's room, " I sigh pulling the blanket away from him, as in my mind he has way too much of it. Of course he only half listened to what I said. "Only nice?" he asks with a shocked look on his face. "Men!" I state getting up quickly and holding the cover tightly, so that seconds later he lies on the bed in all his naked glory with this smug grin on his face.
Rolling my eyes I turn around to go look for something new to wear. I don't know where the clothes I was wearing before are anyway. Things got way too heated to pay attention and my attention was definitely elsewhere, respectively. Although I thought this wouldn't happen for a while because I'm still pretty insecure about all this — only on the inside of course — I'm glad we did what we did. Thinking about it makes me smile, happily. I haven't been so full of good feelings for quite a while; since I was all alone, naturally.
"Julie," he suddenly calls me and I turn around immediately; I so love how he says my name — with warmth and love.
"What?" I ask while I put on a pair of blue jeans. Instead of answering he just stares at me as if he hasn't seen me for ages — which is actually true — but it's also as if he wants to memorise every little detail of me. It makes me want to melt inside. This is all just so overwhelming, so wonderful and all. I can't stop the smile appearing on my face cause by his actions.
"What is it, Lex?" I wonder again just wanting to know what is going on in his mind. "You're so beautiful," he then says turning to lie on his side to get a better look at me.
Just then I hear something like a scream, not a fearful one rather one of joy or something like that. I can't stop my curiosity from coming up and go quickly to the door to find out what's going on out there.
The others had decided to go and look for a room in the time while Lex and I were busy talking, as Jordan, Ryan's little sister tells me grinning. Shrugging my shoulders I try to find out who chose which one but she is quicker and tells me right away. When she's about to say which one Zandra has decided on, Lex comes out of my room looking rather confused himself. I follow the finger Jordan is pointing to and want to scream.
"This is forbidden territory! The door was locked! How the hell did she get in there?" I yell and run there, Lex not far behind me.
"Get out," I shout as soon as I see that she's touching my sister's stuff. Zandra just looks at me as if I'm insane and continues doing whatever she was doing. Lex, trying to calm me, puts his hands on my shoulders and tries to sort everything out. "Could you go to the room next door; this one is not available." I didn't know he had that peacemaker thing in him. "No," that stupid cow answers as if the house is her own.
"You'll vanish out of this room now or I'll make you!" I yell again not able to control myself wherever my sister is concerned.
Only when all the others ask her to leave, she finally does as she's told. Lex, with his arms securely around my waist, needs all of his power to stop me from hitting her. God, I hate that girl already. I really don't know how I can live with... her. All of his tries to calm me down fall on deaf ears; I just refuse to listen and get myself worked up in a rage.
"Shh, everything will be alright," he whispers in my ear but again, gains not the desired effect.
"Let me go!" I shout kicking him wherever I can, and obviously I found a sensitive spot as he all of a sudden lets go of me. I storm into my sister's room and immediately close the door behind me with a bang, locking it before Lex has a chance to come in after me. Finally able to call down, I just let myself slide down on the floor. This was way too much action for one day, and too many people. I wish Alison would be here; I miss her so damn much.
"Julie, sweetheart, open the door. Please," I hear his voice from the outside in an almost begging manner. I simply refuse to reply. He knows I'm in here and can't get out, anyway. Why can't he just leave me alone in my misery? Doesn't he know me anymore?
So I sit here thinking all those sad thoughts about me and my missing sister when I hear that he does know me as he seems to leave. Good, finally alone. Just what I need right now. But do I really want to be all alone?
It takes me about two hours to finally get up, unlock the door and get out of Ali's room. I just couldn't bring myself to do it earlier. Stunned I realize that my lovely boyfriend isn't gone, instead he's sitting next to the door, waiting. And what's even more confusing is that he's smiling. Out of all the things he could be doing when finally facing me, he's smiling.
"Took you long enough," he states holding out his hand and pulling me down to himself then. I don't say a word; I wouldn't know what, anyway. When I look into his eyes, I can't see any anger, pity or anything I would hate — just, well, love. That's simply amazing. So I just put my head on his shoulder to also feel that this is not some stupid dream. I can't stop the deep sigh when I realize that this is reality.
"Julie, she says the door wasn't locked," he tells me after minutes of sitting silently beside each other. "But it's always locked," I insist close to tears now when thinking about Alison.
"Maybe you went in there and forgot," he suggests. Shrugging my shoulders I look up and he instantly takes my face in his hands. I know he wants to assure me. Of what I'm not sure, but I'm about to find out. "Look, I know you miss her terribly and I'll try everything to find her. Right now, though, you have to be strong. Don't let her get under your skin. And if you want me to say it again, here it is — I love you, and only you. Nothing's going to change that." Something that could turn into a smile creeps up on my face.
The next thing I know is that we were about to kiss when I hear someone behind us coming up the stairs. Great, perfect timing. Pretty angry again I turn around. Luckily it's only Jordan. "Interrupted something, didn't I?" she asks with a smug grin on her face. The way I look at her, gives her the answer to that quite unnecessary question. "Well, don't let me stop you smooching but Salene has cooked something. So maybe you want to come down...." Seconds later she's gone.
"Okay, so lets say some more of those... smoochies and then food?" I suggest but don't even need to ask. I mean, who could resist me? Well, as it appears he can because he seems to seriously ponder going down right away. Pouting I cross my arms over my chest, but only seconds later I find myself in his arms and his lips on mine. Just some stupid joke then, I hope.
rewrite discontinued
